Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Samurai Ex.

Whenever you go into a girl's place for the first time, you brace yourself for what may come.
A live in mother, 15 cats, an unhealthy obsession with unicorns, Justin Bieber or the Grim Reaper. 

It can get creepy. Fast.

More often than not, you will walk into a perfectly normal abode that doesn't set you at ease in the least.
Because she is hiding something.

The crazy chicks with the moms, unicorns or a coffin to sleep in are fine because all their crazy shit is all out in the open.
Usually nothing going on besides that.
But the "normal" girls always got some crazy shit going on beneath the surface and you can't sit easy in their Ikea inspired apartment until you figure it out.
This is a situation I entered upon not too long ago.
The girl was hot and wanted me to come up to her place to hang out.

Upon entering her place I noticed her housekeeping skills left something to be desired but other than that, nothing too suspicious.  I started to get nervous. This chick was gonna pull out some S&M shit or try to eat me for dinner. I just knew it.
Then I saw the Samurai sword on the kitchen table.
Whew! Okay, can start to chill.
She is obviously a ninja assassin.

She was wearing an all black outfit tonight so that with the sword made total sense. Let's just hope I wasn't her target and the date was just to lure me in for the kill.
Who would want me dead anyway?
Actually I could think of a few but they didn't have the money to hire an assassin.
Especially not a hot girl, ninja assassin. That couldn't be cheap.

Was it rude to ask what her going rate was? Or maybe that was too obvious.
Should start with something simpler.
"Cool sword. Where'd you get it?"
"Oh that? That's my ex's. He is coming by to pick it up sometime."
Back to nervous.
The sword isn't hers thus she isn't a ninja assassin.
Damn! That would have been cool to brag about to my friends.
And even better, that info on my Facebook page would have put me into some kind of minor celebrity status.

And this is bad because we are back to square one: Find the crazy.
Wait a minute...
"Did you say your ex?"
"Yea, he is into all that fancy fighting shit. He is constantly training and goes to competitions all the time. It really put a strain on our relationship because the fighting always came before us."
"That's a bummer. He should have been more appreciative of you."
Oh yea, so smooth.
"I know! He keeps trying to get back together with me but I told him it's me or the fighting."

Panic setting in.

The ex is trying to get back together with her.
The ex who is some kind of insane fighting machine and is coming to pick up his sword at this location at some unspecified time.
Should I just run out the front door and hope I don't run into him?
Or tell her I had a wonderful time tonight and would love to be friends because I am gay and can never have too many girlfriends and do these jeans make my butt look big?