Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Samurai Ex.

Whenever you go into a girl's place for the first time, you brace yourself for what may come.
A live in mother, 15 cats, an unhealthy obsession with unicorns, Justin Bieber or the Grim Reaper. 

It can get creepy. Fast.

More often than not, you will walk into a perfectly normal abode that doesn't set you at ease in the least.
Because she is hiding something.

The crazy chicks with the moms, unicorns or a coffin to sleep in are fine because all their crazy shit is all out in the open.
Usually nothing going on besides that.
But the "normal" girls always got some crazy shit going on beneath the surface and you can't sit easy in their Ikea inspired apartment until you figure it out.
This is a situation I entered upon not too long ago.
The girl was hot and wanted me to come up to her place to hang out.

Upon entering her place I noticed her housekeeping skills left something to be desired but other than that, nothing too suspicious.  I started to get nervous. This chick was gonna pull out some S&M shit or try to eat me for dinner. I just knew it.
Then I saw the Samurai sword on the kitchen table.
Whew! Okay, can start to chill.
She is obviously a ninja assassin.

She was wearing an all black outfit tonight so that with the sword made total sense. Let's just hope I wasn't her target and the date was just to lure me in for the kill.
Who would want me dead anyway?
Actually I could think of a few but they didn't have the money to hire an assassin.
Especially not a hot girl, ninja assassin. That couldn't be cheap.

Was it rude to ask what her going rate was? Or maybe that was too obvious.
Should start with something simpler.
"Cool sword. Where'd you get it?"
"Oh that? That's my ex's. He is coming by to pick it up sometime."
Back to nervous.
The sword isn't hers thus she isn't a ninja assassin.
Damn! That would have been cool to brag about to my friends.
And even better, that info on my Facebook page would have put me into some kind of minor celebrity status.

And this is bad because we are back to square one: Find the crazy.
Wait a minute...
"Did you say your ex?"
"Yea, he is into all that fancy fighting shit. He is constantly training and goes to competitions all the time. It really put a strain on our relationship because the fighting always came before us."
"That's a bummer. He should have been more appreciative of you."
Oh yea, so smooth.
"I know! He keeps trying to get back together with me but I told him it's me or the fighting."

Panic setting in.

The ex is trying to get back together with her.
The ex who is some kind of insane fighting machine and is coming to pick up his sword at this location at some unspecified time.
Should I just run out the front door and hope I don't run into him?
Or tell her I had a wonderful time tonight and would love to be friends because I am gay and can never have too many girlfriends and do these jeans make my butt look big?

Sunday, February 3, 2013

And In The Night...

And in the night I come a creeping,

      For you, in the dark, I am seeking

           Whispers in the air I hear speaking,

                 Leading me to you, quietly sleeping.

I don't know how it got into my room. How it got there or how it left.

And why was it there when the lights were on? Creatures of the night have no business being there, so close, when a light is shining like the day.

It slipped in between my dreaming and waking, without a sound. How did I know it was there? What made me open my eyes? A change in the air perhaps.

At first I paid it no mind. So what if it was crouched there next to my bed, a tiny thing, almost normal in its disarming slouch.

It clearly was a dream or a part of one that had managed to stumble into the waking world. If I ignored it, it would drift back to where it had come from.

I'm sure it would have, it it hadn't taken a mind to touch me.

Horror and fear I have felt before. When it touched me, this was something else. 

How to describe it?

So much like a freezing, if a jump in your heart could be felt in your arm, an alienation of the limb to the extreme. 

If you could be rid of what was touched, never mind it is a part of your body, you would feel far more comfortable. 

And in the following days, you can't help but hold the arm away from the rest of you, a tainted thing.

Was it still there when you jumped up and fled the room? Did you even bother to look to see if it remained crouched on the floor or if it was following you?

It doesn't matter. Just hide in the light and wait for the dawn.

Friday, January 11, 2013

Ants In My Pants.

You feel a tickle under your shirt and you think "calm down, it can't be a bug". You've been sitting here for five minutes without feeling a thing. "It. Can't. Be. A. Bug."

It's a bug.

Not a bug that makes you jump up and beat yourself half to death while screaming like a little girl. It's just a sugar ant. You brush it off and it goes on its way.

But then you start to wonder, "How long has that ant been on my body? When I first felt it, it was underneath my shirt, so it could, in theory, have been crawling on me for quite a while. Hell, it could have been on me all day!"

And ants leave a trail for other ants to follow.

Suddenly you can feel an ant trail all over you. You know it's impossible to feel...but it's there.

Are you gonna wake up covered in ants? Should you shower or see what will come of this? What's the worst that could happen?

You get abducted by ants. That's what will happen.

I need your body to feed my children.

You will wake up with an ant colony slowly being built around you, you are going to take this ant colony to the next level, you are going to make it possible for them to take over other colonies and then...the world.

Don't shower. Do it for the ants.

Monday, July 30, 2012

Horses And Midgets And Lots And Lots Of Sex.

A conversation over coffee can shift to a weird place so quickly. I mean beyond words kinda weird. You're not sure if you should attempt to move back into the familiar or progress further into this dimension of strange.

For example, you tell a friend who you have known for years, that when you two are together, it's like being in a movie.
He says, "No, when I'm with you it's like being in a movie but when you leave the movie goes with you."
"That sounds sad." You reply.
"Okay, let me rephrase that. When I'm with you it is your movie and when you leave it changes back to my movie."
"Oh cool. What is in your movie?"
"Horses and midgets and lots and lots of sex!"

This is where it shifts into the weird. Of course you are laughing your ass off because who says shit like that? But you are still wondering where to take this.
And then, to clarify, he adds: "Sex between those two. The horses and midgets I mean."
"You aren't having sex with them?"
"No. One is too short and the other too tall."
"Oh that's the only problem you find with that? And the midgets and horses don't seem to find any difficulty with the height difference?"

"Of course not. They are magical." Cue "duh" face.
"You mean unicorns and dwarves right?"
"No, I mean horses and midgets."
"But horses and midgets exist in real life!"
"I know they do. I said they are magical, not mythical."
How do you argue that?

If only there were a way to combine the two?

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Here we go again.

What the hell? How did I get back here? I am not a blogger! You can't make me.

Oh, it isn't that bad. Stop whining and write.

Write about what?

I don't know. You're the writer. Write about your life.

Ugh. Why? Life is boring.

Okay. Write about your life..and add some spice to it.


You know what I mean! Your life if you were a super hero or a suburban mom or a carnie. Take your pick. Or just write about whatever the hell you want. Why are we talking? Just write dammit!