Ants In My Pants.

You feel a tickle under your shirt and you think "calm down, it can't be a bug". You've been sitting here for five minutes without feeling a thing. "It. Can't. Be. A. Bug."

It's a bug.

Not a bug that makes you jump up and beat yourself half to death while screaming like a little girl. It's just a sugar ant. You brush it off and it goes on its way.

But then you start to wonder, "How long has that ant been on my body? When I first felt it, it was underneath my shirt, so it could, in theory, have been crawling on me for quite a while. Hell, it could have been on me all day!"

And ants leave a trail for other ants to follow.

Suddenly you can feel an ant trail all over you. You know it's impossible to feel...but it's there.

Are you gonna wake up covered in ants? Should you shower or see what will come of this? What's the worst that could happen?

You get abducted by ants. That's what will happen.

I need your body to feed my children.

You will wake up with an ant colony slowly being built around you, you are going to take this ant colony to the next level, you are going to make it possible for them to take over other colonies and then...the world.

Don't shower. Do it for the ants.

Horses And Midgets And Lots And Lots Of Sex.

A conversation over coffee can shift to a weird place so quickly. I mean beyond words kinda weird. You're not sure if you should attempt to move back into the familiar or progress further into this dimension of strange.

For example, you tell a friend who you have known for years, that when you two are together, it's like being in a movie.
He says, "No, when I'm with you it's like being in a movie but when you leave the movie goes with you."
"That sounds sad." You reply.
"Okay, let me rephrase that. When I'm with you it is your movie and when you leave it changes back to my movie."
"Oh cool. What is in your movie?"
"Horses and midgets and lots and lots of sex!"

This is where it shifts into the weird. Of course you are laughing your ass off because who says shit like that? But you are still wondering where to take this.
And then, to clarify, he adds: "Sex between those two. The horses and midgets I mean."
"You aren't having sex with them?"
"No. One is too short and the other too tall."
"Oh that's the only problem you find with that? And the midgets and horses don't seem to find any difficulty with the height difference?"

"Of course not. They are magical." Cue "duh" face.
"You mean unicorns and dwarves right?"
"No, I mean horses and midgets."
"But horses and midgets exist in real life!"
"I know they do. I said they are magical, not mythical."
How do you argue that?

If only there were a way to combine the two?

Here we go again.

What the hell? How did I get back here? I am not a blogger! You can't make me.

Oh, it isn't that bad. Stop whining and write.

Write about what?

I don't know. You're the writer. Write about your life.

Ugh. Why? Life is boring.

Okay. Write about your life..and add some spice to it.

Spice?

You know what I mean! Your life if you were a super hero or a suburban mom or a carnie. Take your pick. Or just write about whatever the hell you want. Why are we talking? Just write dammit!